THE VALIUM EFFORT CHRISTMAS SONGBOOK Table of Contents: 1. Bourbonferno 2. Center For Misleaden Lads 3. Jeffrey the Flesh Eating Drunkard 4. No Christmas for Esther 5. Santa Comes With a Chainsaw 6. Santa Put a Woody in My Stocking (Part 1 and 2) 7. Sklamikari Christmas 8. Sout Pole Santa 9. Sweet Parish Lady 10. Twelve Drunken Days of Christmas 11. Wintertime Welcome carolers, inebriated piano-flies and ebullient holiday miscreants! As you all know, no Christmas is complete without the haunting sounds of Valium Effort blended with the crackling of a roaring fire (or joint), the snoring of loved ones and the chilly winds whistling outside your window. Why, Christmas without Valium Effort is like Eggnog without Tequila! The mumbled incoherencies, melodic non-sequiturs and off-key harmonies can be yours forever with this handy pamphlet. Imagine the startled, nay, terrified looks of your neighbors when they hear the sounds of Valium Effort coming from their very porch! Enjoy belting out Erich's timeless (and often meaningless) lyrics. The true mark of a Valium Effort carol as a eulogic credo for all Christmases yet to come, it is not important to sing in key, play in time or in tune, just as long as your heart is full of love and your brain is addled with harmful narcotics. Amen! -MAX Merry Christmas --------------------------------------------------------------- 1. BOURBONFERNO This is a good song to start with because it is short. It will allow you to adjust your standards and morals to Valium Effort without compromising your taste. This song was written in 1990 after Erich and I had downed a case of Bass Ale and were feeling particularly merry. The guitar has a graceful lilt and the lyrics are crooned with an almost silly self-adoration, which builds to a cross between Neil Diamond and Katherine Hepburn. Chord progression: (G, Am) (G C D) Oh, oh Christmas time. Christmas time comes on like lime. Trapped in an inferno of jello encased in miniscule slime. Trapped in infernos of bourbon and grime and scriptinternoes. Use script and turn nose. You don't ask why but you live in a fear inferno, in a world of sorrow. You live in a strange tomorrow. I'm a stranger and I don't know why you put me up to this. You know you were meant for better. And for better, always. Should you strive. Should you....shlroooooooo...... --------------------------------------------------------------- 2. JEFFERY THE FLESH EATING DRUNKARD Believe it or not, my dad wrote this song with me! I think it was the Cognac. The premise is self explanatory. It helps to have a caroler who thinks that you're singing Rudolph. The guitar should be bouncy and light, the vocals starting soft and raspy, then building to a merry and boisterous level (a la Parsons). The dynamics of the song are imperative, vocally and instrumentally. Chords: (Fmaj7, Em7, Dm7 Cmaj7)2X, Am E7 Am, D9 Gsus G7, (C G7 C)2X, F Em7 A7, Dm7 G7 C, G7 Em, Am7 D7 Dm7 G7, C G7 C You know Bundy and Gacy and Lucas and Manson, Colin and Joel and Robert C. Hanson But do you recall, the most wonderful killer of all? Jeffrey the flesh eating drunkard had a very smelly lair and if you ever saw it, you would have a few nightmares All of the other inmates didn't like his cooking tips, then they tried Dahmer's Gumbo, and they smacked their blood-caked lips Then one murky August morn, Warden came to say, Jeffrey with your sauce so fine, I think your spleen would taste divine! Then while Chris Scarber beat him, and he shouted out in pain, Louis the Flesh eating warden, was sure to eat a slice of Brain. Was sure to eat a slice of Brain. --------------------------------------------------------------- 3. CENTER FOR MISLEADEN LADS Uh, this tune is a mellow, ersatz classical baroque shepherd's bouree that builds to a feverish pitch, then resolves in a gentle, plagal cadence (with a tritone thrown in just for fun). The guitar is capoed at the 5th fret and the chord progression is as follows: Am, C, G, F, Am, C, F, F/E, E7 Every Christmas I wake, sort of nervous and go downstairs. There's my brother in his underwear opening presents we never gave him like crack and cocaine too. Everything he did for you. I called to my parents I said "Hey parents, come down." At first they just moaned in their bad breath and gowns. But when they came down, what did they see? They saw a mess, my brother and me. I asked for a chainsaw and that's what I got. My brother got spread out. His head was my present to myself. His liver I ate with the stuff in my stocking. It was a rudabaga from Harvard. >-crescendo I carved my initials in my brother's ffen I danced around the Christmas tree, the butcher knife waving that my aunt gave me. I got some smack from my mother and some kicks from my dad and now I'm in the center for misleaden lads.I've dealt so much dope here I fell into a trance and money and dollars livin' high on a hog. Mrs. Maxwell spots a problem in the painting that I did. I fell from the roof and I cattch myself, dead. So I changed into a peeping tom, I murder everybody next door. That's a gift that I gave to my Uncle Tom ->decrescendo Because without misery there would be nobody else have empty and nothing but nowhere. But Christmas comes once in a --------------------------------------------------------------- 4. NO SANTA FOR ESTHER This is a ballad, to be sung in the same, apathetically blase deadpan of a Doc Watson train wreck or Irish mining disaster tune. Chords: The guitar is capoed at the third fret. A, Adim, A7, Dm, G, Gm, D7, A, F, G, A Chorus: Em, Em7, A, C, G, F#dim, Dm, Am, F, G, A Colin woke up on a bleary December morn. His Ruger license renewed and his eyes filled with scorn. Chances are these two would never have met in a bar or on the street or on the Compensation Board. Then Black Talon Tuesday came and they both boarded the Hicksville train and when their paths connected Adelphi's Jamaican upstart selected to greet her with his Turner City 9. Once Audrey Warren smoked his spliff, and his job at Ademco, the taxpayers gift, but alas the portly rasta fell off his stool, and turned his embarrassment into a racist hatred pool. In the Talon Tuesday rain Esther's first Christmas gift came. Not a walkman or Bel-Biv -Devoe CD or a card from Ashlea. Just a slug from a disgruntled Kingston man. When Esther met Colin's eyes that day her purse raised to shield her eyes from the spray, too much of Audrey did she rey did she resemble and his burnt sienna fingers started to tremble. He became distracted, tackled, beaten, apprehended and shackled. Esther lived through it, but asleep Christmas morn, not Santa does she dream of but the icy eyes of scorn. --------------------------------------------------------------- 5. SANTA COMES WITH A CHAINSAW This song is in memory of Lieutenant Dirk Neckburn, a name given to a bottle of Old Grand Dad 100 whose spirit was taken on a cold December night back in '93. He was smashed on an icy Brooklyn street as he fell out of the careless hands of a wreckless Sicilian. (G Gsus G7), A D A D B7 All I want for Christmas is Drugs and Rock and Roll and Women. I never feel better than when I sniff my girlfriends dirty sweater. Every time when I come home for Christmas, even though I'm with my folks, all alone. My appy. We would have empty and nothing but nowhere. But Christmas comes once in a while like a package from the Red Cross. I wouldn't be here if I hadn't a killed Santa Claus. s would hate being a canine stuck with a second class citizen, waiting six hours to take a shit out in the street can't even drink eggnog from the pitcher. It drives you crazy and your owner's lazy doesn't want to walk you today. Flava Flav fell down from ecycled hair drying bone.I’ve eaten so many mushrooms that I don’t know what state I’m in. The Christmas Tree looks larger if it was I wish. What did you eat it I want some myself. I gave half my Effidrine stash to the dog that's why he's vomiting in the hall. I poured Wild Turkey in his doggie dish that's why he's vomiting in the hall. I did it cause it's Christmas and I wanted to relieve him of the burden of being a canine stuck in the city all of its life. as II the top of our Christmas tree I almost cried. It seems that if any of his metal teeth fell out of his mouth I almost died. decorating the tree with rappers gave me a sense of black pride. When Santa comes he comes with a chainsaw when he comes running ths they just won't feel right. There could be a crisis in Christmas town if I don't deliver these packages before sundown. rough my back yard. cause what my daddy asked for for Christmas was that I'd be cut into two separate parts. I get smaller while expanding the universe. I'd rather be myself though I know my other self is worse..When Christmas comes my friend. We'll gather around inside my pen and flog bad poets for reasons unpenned. --------------------------------------------------------------- 6. SOUTH POLE SANTA The pure magic and splendor of this song lie in the lyrics. 12 string accompaniment is crucial for a crunchy, driving tempo. In this song Erich takes us through Santa's darker side. The imagery ranges from a drug dealing Santa, to a robberbaron capitalist Santa, to an apocalyptic vision of Santa's ultimate political corruption, a true revelation of the power and wealth of this albeit jolly magnate.. The song's somewhat dated content and monotonous lyrics are resolved beautifully in the Coda, which is pensive and melodious.The accompaniment for the Coda are descending double-stops in E minor on the guitar. The last line should be said in a Jerry Seinfeld voicing, ..The chords:( F# B) (A D), (E C#/F F#), (A#dim Cm7) (F B C) Come on granite, come on Nixon come on Jeffrey Dahmer come see what the mess I'm in. I'm poor and lonely Santa I need a ride on your magic so come on and fly. I got 700 packages really gonna fly tonight if those people don't get their drugir drugeir drug Oh Dancer Oh Demoral Oh Prancer On Nembutol oh one of these days were gonna fly away. No more North Pole No more Christmas Day. Rudolpnose wasn't always shiny til we gave him Jaeger and we gave him whiskey. Now he can't even drive a sleigh some day he's gonna wake up and then he'll fly away One more snot nosed kid wants us to carve 3 dead ninja. Oh they came with their hoofs blazi his girlfriend, Stone Misomorus.ng. Their muzzles numb. Oh yeah reindeer I put my trust in you fly me over New York with it's August pollution every time you stand still restore my presents and white beard and more pills. That's why we're lost. That''s why we're still waiting for the elve came around once or twice to show how to make toys but you won't hire japs and everybody wants these days. Oh Santa why don't you send them to the North Pole. Stockholders of corporations would relieve you of the pressure of labor and mismanagement all tes to come back. Every time I come back I'm repelled by Elvin. I want the rights for short people Bushwick Bill will not live in vain. He worked for Elves Amain Amain. Hey Santa "Yeah, That's what they call me" You run but no one else cares who gets it donng spot. Someone's in rehab at the North Pole, but with the time difference ought to be enough. I meant to call. North Pole Santa dissed me and my posse. Christmas got me Christmas was the loneliest time. Stuck on New Years after Santa's gone ahead and left me behind. Left me to wait instead. Now look at the time. I should have been aware of what' was going on. All those presents were filled with atom radiation. Now we're gone. Oh, Santa you sold out to George. Santa you sold out to George for weapons and khese elves confused and ranting, raving about not getting money and starving. Drunken at the work place. There's no heat in their cubicles 'cause it's the North Pole and there's no shows. Flames cost so much up there. Back in New York someone stole my parking spot. Called the west coast Santa. South Pole Santa will kill Santa. Now Santa stands alone without a house or a North Pole to call home. All been sunk into the sea from global warming. Sad Santa pass by me. Saddest Santa I Call thee in. Shed thy red chapeau. Repent thy sins. All your elves are under age, we found out from CNN. Oh Santa, Santa, turn yourself in. "Warning: Santa's armed and dangerous" --------------------------------------------------------------- 7. SKLAMIKARI CHRISTMAS Reggae for Christmas? Ah, but this isn't just any kind of reggae, it's free and sloppy reggae. The guitar is pretty straightforward offbeat reggae strumming, while the vocals are harshly menacing and almost accusatory, probably Erich's s most ferocious endeavor, although the content dissipates into meaningless, slobbery babble. Chords:(Dm, G)4X (F, G) Hey Father Christmas you know I wait for you in the middle of the night I wait for your children I wait for your brethren I wait for you to wake up at night. I'm going to creep up and place my hands around your little Santa Claus neck. Yes, little Santa Claus, ah-ha-ha what the heck you are such a stupid wreck. You're a drunken imbecile. I'll leave you after a while I know what to do in the meantime you'll still be mine, you'll still be mine. You are such a spineless drooling fool. Oh Santa you put me in the Christmas mood with a Christmas doodle. The Christmas mood is a funny mood You know it's like a rasta who has notes too. She's got no food to sue. He's got no do to do. He's a stupid rasta just like you. He's got a Sklamikari- That is I'll tell you later to say-You got de Sklamikari got de Sklamikari Christmas lack of Sklamikari Christmas lack of Sklamikari blues You got a Christmas You got a lacka Sklamiclammy. Stand alone at the top of a mountain I'll show you something I'll show you a Freggin Fred outward Fountain. I'll tear away Christmas time. Yo kinekine abnub Uh Essnoflachansiland. Youll have fun in your nikum. You ald and flachanisland. Flachansklaman island. A sklaman island with schreann too. Holy Flakan Island. You and your Flachan Island --------------------------------------------------------------- 8. SWEET PARISH LADY This has been the staple Valium Effort Song throughout past three years. It has a friendly bounce and attractive simplicity to the melody that are as alluring as the lyrics are amusing. The "middle eight" gives you a glimpse of Erich's rarely heard bathroom humor. Again, Erich uses the Katherine Hepburn voicing as he intones "we stayed around by the fi-ahhh". It's pretty disturbing. In case anyone doesn't know who Brenda Wiley is, she's the cutest little eighteen year old that killed her mother and obnoxious brother, Valium Effort's lobbying offices flooded the Somerset County Correctional Facilities with a deluge of pleas for her release. These letters were promptly returned by the post office as "Undeliverable-No postage/Address undeciferable". Brenda got 9 to life, but we still love her and she will always be our Sweet Parish Lady.. Chords: (C, G7)4X (Dm, F, E7) Bridge: (Am, G)2X It's Christmas time and I have no lime, I had a rum and coke but I didn't have a dime. I drank that drink down and stumbled to the street and I met a lady who was to my mothers needs. She was a Sweet Parish Lady she took me upstairs she didn't give me tady, she gave me a dimes worth of the kind. With the papers I had, the Christmas tree too, we soon had a fire and New England did approve. We stayed around by the fire all night long. There was a sweet parish lady she gave me a dime. It wasn't worth the kind bud but it came in its time. You had a driver's license too. I would spend it on you if you weren't such a tool. You're ugly and stupid and you smell bad too. You have a problem with your size. You can get a pair of glasses anytime. I'll be waiting for you at a quarter of nine. Ohhhhh you can't have a Christmas when your blue. Wait for my signal if your smart. You will find I never fart I'm an artistic guy I leave in the morning and I get home at five. I get drunk all the time, but you'll never guess why. It's the Christmas season and those tacky Santas they make me blue I get drunk as a phantom. You know those phantoms get drunk too. You cant count my change on my left arm I'll give you a monkey if you don't do me Hiram. Let's end this song soon. I married a racoon. --------------------------------------------------------------- 9. SANTA LEFT A WOODY IN MY STOCKING- Erich, 1994 It's Christmas Day, and I hear my sister say, let's run downstairs by the fire Cook breakfast for the dog, build a fire for the log, and puncture our family car tires Christmas morning, must be time to sing a tune about lust, greed and murder, It's hunger for presents that I am feeling, bloodthirst and lust for my mother. A wool scarf from dad, what bad taste he had Excuses galore from the others, nothing but a switch and some coal and an itch and a parachute covered with feathers. The wrapping paper rain soon dies away, disappointment stains each eye We stare, hard to see, but the tree is empty, and so we get ready to cry. But wait, there's the stockings left by the fire. candy might lighten our hearts There might be some things to lessen the sting of no toys, just mitten and shirts My brother got airplane bottles and cheese, my brothers got chocolate-dipped hearts, but what Santa left me, no one could believe me, he'd left me his most private of parts. With solemn joy I did wave my mighty new wand and blessed all my sibling in turn then kissing it brave to fire I it gave and we all watched as it burned Well Santa he must realize what he lost, something more than his children deserve, When he finds it in ashes, I hope he won't be cross, his woody was wood for the pure. SANTA LEFT A WOODY IN MY STOCKING, Max-1994 Gather round children and bring along flasks, for the night air is chilly and the storyteller's Max Prepare! Steel yourselves! Be of iron resolve! For the Myth of Santa Claus I am about to dissolve 'Tis true, as they say, Santa is jolly, but naught is told of the extent of his folly. Kris Kringle it seems is not a holiday icon, but from Leavenworth he comes, an embittered ex-con What presents he brings, and what joy does he spread, but daily deeper grows his lust, for no woman does he bed When I was a boy, a naughty young cynic, my mom out at bars and my dad in a clinic Christmas Eve for me was a torturous night, I stared with terror at my door, sometimes all night Not Santa feared I, but my mother's new beau, whose name now eludes me-oh yeah, Billy Joe Free with his hands, was Billy, especially when drunk, he would feel up my mommy and lock me in a trunk Especially on Christmas, when sufficiently nogged, Bill would chase mom and then I'd be flogged Such was Christmas for Max, until one weird year, when mom and Billy were out drinking beer 'Round midnight a strange noise did I hear, 'twas not Billy I heard, but still worthy of fear. Downstairs I crept, in my jammys and socks, quiet as a mouse and sleek as a fox Before the fire I saw a sight so twisted, I would've yelled out if I hadn't resisted 'Twas Santa, whose lust had grown out of hand, for my stocking had become his one night stand "Ho, ho,ho" did he chuckle 'neath bourbon shot breath, and his face, bright and merry, was beaded with sweat Silent stood I as before me Saint Nick, Moaned, jerked and shuddered, with my sock on his his dick And when he was through, no presents he left, just goo in my stocking, of joy was I bereft Until he turned and said with a wink, "That's for Billy, son. Put it in his drink." Not up the chimney did he go but out the front door, He jumped in to his Audi. Put the pedal to the floor So with spoon in hand I set upon the task of "spiking" the eggnog in Billy Joe's flask. Then came the morning, very late in the day. I awoke, walked downstairs and heard my mom say: "Billy Joe died last night, dear, of poisoned egg nog, but look what I found while out for my jog!" She held out a wallet stuffed with cash and blank checks, a smile on her face, in her hand a cold Becks But whose money? thought I until I noticed, with pride, an Audi emblem on the wallet's cheap naugahyde So children careful what you wish for, use prudence and tact For Santa is real, real horny to be exact --------------------------------------------------------------- 10. THE TWELVE DRUNKEN DAYS OF CHRISTMAS And yet another Yuletide classic maimed! Chords: F C7 F, F Bb F C7 F On the (x) day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 1. a fat jug of Wild Turkey 2. Two percosets 3. Three kind buds 4. Four Valiums 5. Five Grams of hash 6. Six shots of Jaeger 7. Seven shotgun bonghits 8. Eight shwag beer funnels 9. Nine tepid highballs 10. Ten pints of Guiness 11. Eleven blue stemmed mushrooms 12. Twelve drunkards slamming --------------------------------------------------------------- 11. WINTERTIME Chordal theme:( Em, Em/F#, Em/G, Em/F#) (Am, Am/B, Am/C, Am/B) Wintertime, and the living is dreary, there's slush in your shoes and no sun in the sky And your daddy's broke and your mama's pretty ugly hush little aborto, ain't no good to cry One of these mornings you're gonna fall down crying and your stash will be raided and your bottles will be dry And the roaches and mice get better meals than you do Hush little baby, I got my own problems to worry about