GODZILLA!

As it roared into opening weekend, the money behind GODZILLA 
was publicly boasting they would beat out last Memorial Day's
record-shattering premiere of THE LOST WORLD. Frankly, as near 
as I can tell, this movie is LOST WORLD THREE, with a few 
cliches from other movies thrown in as ballast, such as ALIENS's 
giant eggs, BLADERUNNER's rainy urban ambience, INDEPENDENCE DAY's 
air attacks.... and I know I am missing something. What I'm missing 
is some glimmer of life or originality to make GODZILLA achieve an 
effect besides making its audience keenly aware of, and depressed 
about, how promotion and "entertainment" have grown so intertwined 
as to be indistinguishable. GODZILLA is not about a giant lizard 
ransacking New York. It's about YOU giving SONY your MONEY.

Matthew Broderick stars as Nick Tatapoluus, a "nuclear biologist" 
(everyone mispronounces his name, causing him to roll his eyes, 
such is the extent of his character development). Nick's glum 
about being thrown in with a non-descript military team, led by 
a horny older woman (in one of the many mysteriously vanishing 
sub-plots) and a bickering mayor of New York and his aide 
(modeled after Siskel and Ebert, albeit with cliche'd New 
York mannerisms). he's also beseiged by an old college 
"sweetheart" (a bland Maria Patillo) suffering sexual 
discrimination at the hands of her boss, SIMPSON's alum 
Harry Shearer (and, no, he doesn't get eaten), and her 
bridge and tunnel stereotype buddies. Lastly, there is 
Reno, stealing the show as a mysterious Frenchman. Still, 
nobody in the film is interesting enough to carry off the 
tongue in cheek quality that would allow this movie, which 
clearly does not set out to be a masterpiece, to be any fun. 

To go on with the story is pointless. The story, the "event" 
itself is nothing, it's the hoopla surrounding it that counts 
in a movie like this. Like an over-hyped boxing match that 
lasts one round, or a striptease where once all the clothers 
are off you wonder what you were lusting so hard to see, 
GODZILLA is in fact much like a stripper. First they let 
you see just the tail, then later the footprint, then some 
teeth, then later the legs, then the body, then finally, 
that ugly, well-hyped-secrecy-shrouded face of his.  All 
the millions in merchandising rights, the pre-sold sequels, 
the thousands of openings all across the country, the millions 
of dollars in advertising, and the thousands of man hours put 
in by sleepy eyed computer animators to get every rain soaked 
scale just perfect, all for the effect of a headache and the 
bitter feeling you've been cheated.

If the effects were mind-blowing, it may have worked on some
bird-brained level, but the whole movie takes place in the 
rain.  The original Japanese version did too, but I suspect 
that the motivation behind this choice is less homage and 
more the fact that by having every shot in the rain they don't 
have to deal with adding shadows and sunlight's reflection on 
the big monster. Godzilla stays dingy and gray and blends with 
the rain drops so we can't see just how pixelly he really is. 
We never get a satsifying look at him, and he never seems real.

Still, the weakest scenes of this movie do not involve Godzilla 
at all, but his progeny, the baby godzillas (or velociraptor 
stand-ins) that chase the heroes around Madison Square Garden. 
These lame, unsuspenseful scenes are filled with so much 
shameless product placement that they are genuinely repulsive. 
All along the hallways of the chase, advertisements draw our 
attention. No matter how many explosions shatter the walls of 
the Garden, the BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO signs stay lit and in focus.

The news from the opening weekend is not what the suits were hoping 
to hear, the film generated a mere $55 million (as opposed to LOST 
WORLD'S $90 million on less screens). I suppose the beautiful 
weekend weather had something to do with it, but more than likely 
it was the shitty word of mouth that kept America at its barbecues. 
I doubt the studio heads will believe that anything as hard to 
define as "quality" would effect the box office take one way or
another. Rather they will assume "It wasn't loud enough." 
Because, ultimately, this GODZILLA is almost exactly what the 
audience would THINK that they want; monsters and explosions. 
Of course what they think they want isn't always what they need 
to not feel cheated. That's where art is allegedly supposed to 
have a hand. Art, and a little thing called "originality". Give 
the people what they want and they'll never want it again, 
hopefully.

RATING: **