ROUGUE STYLES 4/30/98

by Erich Kuersten

It's May in New York and if you haven't got your guest room staked out at your richer colleague's HAMPTONS bungalow, you might just as well kill yourself now and avoid the humiliation.

As a respected and influential STYLE columnist for the prestigious ROGUES MARKET magazine I have exactly zero Hampton invites so far, but that doesn't stop me from planning to wander the beach in my baggy raincoat, talking loudly to myself about Cold War radio signals. So watch out STEVE MARTIN, BILLY JOEL, PENNY MARSHALL and all you other Hamptonites.... you don't own ALL the beach! (More on this story/harrangue as it develops)

To have style today, it's not about being rich, fabulous and drop-dead gorgeous, there's always the option of having an alleged Close Encounter with the SEX ORGAN OF THE PRESIDENT! Last week, MONICA LEWINSKY soothed her media-strained nerves by playing in the Malibu surf clad in a cocktail dress (stained, allegedly, only from salt water) for a VANITY FAIR photo shoot (said lawyer Ginsburg "I don't want her to be commercialized like Paula Jones"). PAULA JONES, meanwhile, attended the White House Correspondence Dinner, with Hil'n' Bill in attendance. Talk about chutzpah. The next thing you know these large-mouthed women will be accompanying the first family on vacation... and why not? "c'est tres European"

SHAGADELIC BIRD FRIGHTENS CITY PLANNERS...New York, the toughest city in the world, scared by a sweet-natured supermodel? It happened Tuesday, as the rough and tough city officials in charge of GRAND CENTRAL STATION cancelled ELIZABETH HURLEY's planned in-station appearance to sign this month's VOGUE cover (whereon she appears in an allegedly sexy swimsuit). Apparently the spooked officials fear she will "steal the thunder" from the station's upcoming "re-opening" celebration. That Hurley could frighten New York's dyed-in-the-wool commuter wranglers either bodes well for Brittania or badly for our once fearless metropolis.

SUZANNE SOMMERS TO "URINATE ON LOAD OF FOLKS" (says NY POST columnist Cindy Addams) The "thighs of steel" weilding Sommers is launching a FIFTH book, "After the Fall: How I Picked Myself Up, Dusted Myself Off, and Started All Over Again" (isn't that a Peter Tosh song?) Suzanne promises to name names and dish dirt on how she was denied Post-Three's Company success by selfish execs.

DOMESTIC ANIMAL VIOLENCE CELEBRATED IN US POSTAGE STAMPThis Monday saw the debut of the much protested "Sylvester & Tweety" 32 cent postage stamp and an ensuing melee at post offices across the nation. "This glorification of inter-species violence is typical of the stunted perceptions of our media" groused angered PETRA spokesperson/supermodel KAREN KLEIN. Warner Brothers, and the Postmaster General are steadfastly refusing to comment.

"FORBIDDEN LOVE" HERE TO STAYTITANIC, more than a movie, it has become a way of life.... and irrational, hopeless, doomed love has swept the nation, and the globe. Take jailed schoolteacher MARY K. LETOURNEAU and her (now) 15 year old paramour. It has lately been revealed that while she was breifly out of jail, they illicitly saw the film together on more than one occasion.

Personally, I know that, with hindsight, KATE JACKSON (c. Charlies Angels, 1978) might have ran into legal troubles too, if my age 10 unrequited love for her had found fruition. Also, my sixth grade teacher, the divine MISS ZACKON, treated my crush only with a patronizing smile. Am I glad now? Would you want to be thirty with a twenty year old kid? If Leo DeCaprio actually came knocking on the doors of these 12 year old girls, what would they do? In my time it was Donny Osmond and Lief Garrett, and they couldn't do anything besides smile, but in the age of TITANIC, all bets are off, and schoolyard crushes become media cause celebres! I predict more, stay tuned....