Dr. TWILITE'S
NEW HANGOVER CURE!!!
---New York Edition---

The previous hangover cure article in this section dealt 
mainly with the "weekend" hangover, meaning it assumed 
the bearer was an unemployed slacker, allowed to sleep 
it off, to party in the morning, and to avoid work without 
so much as a lame excuse.

Since that article's publication, many slackers, including 
myself, have found gainful employment. This newfound 
responsibility has only increased, however, our raging 
thirsts. Thus upon waking up to an alarm clock after 3 
hours sleep and 15 whiskeys, with eight million things 
awaiting your attention down at the office, one finds 
the slow and time-honored remedies don't cut it. Herewith 
then, is one somewhat elaborate but very effective morning 
cure for the rager on the go, consisting of various 
remedies collected from my peers over the months, assembled 
into one highly effective package that begins with the 
morning alarm....

A) upon waking up with your hangover, remember - MOTION 
is the key. You have to keep one step ahead of the pain. 
So dont stand there rubbing your head, full of remorse, 
going "what the hell was I thinking?" run right into the 
kitchen and make yourself some HOT TEA with sugar. Coffee 
might be okay, but it can hurt in the long run with 
jitteriness and assorted side effects. Now, take 2-3 
PEPCID ACs (well above the recommended dose but its 
safety is assured by my esteemed colleague, Dr. Flack) 
and one Advil. 

B) Hit the shower. Wash with hot water, then jam on the 
COLD to finish, soaking your head with cold water until 
you are shivering. Hop out, dry and change quickly, 
drinking your tea and as much water as possible. Brush 
your teeth well and gargle with mouthwash if available. 
Then, hit the streets. If you feel like you may vomit, 
imagine erotic encounters with attractive passers-by, 
the resultant excitement is a good nausea-inhibitor. 
Otherwise, avoid eye contact. 

C) Now before work hit the deli for some breakfast, one 
large 32 oz GATORADE (two if nec.) and a FRIED EGG 
SANDWICH to which you may add homefries, bacon or 
whatever you wish, as long as you get the two
essential groups: a) grease and b) gatorade. WATER 
is also very important. Keep a big jug handy and try 
to make yourself drink the whole thing by the end of 
the day. Try to avoid smoking cigarettes as the 
nicotine can amplify the feeling in your already 
over-sensitive nerve endings. If annoying co-workers 
come to talk to you, hold your head in your hands and 
mumble piteously to yourself until you win their 
sympathy or they leave in disgust. Since you are 
reading this on-line I assume you work at a computer, 
stare at the screen only in small doses to avoid eye 
fatigue. Take another Advil, keep taking them. Around 
noon or so, pop another Pepcid, just one this time. 

D) After work you may still feel a little funny, and 
you may have the urge to go home to bed instead of 
out to happy hour. That's sobriety talkin' to you. 
FUCK sobriety. Sobriety dont get you nowhere. Go out 
and party party party. Start out gently and work your 
way back up to full speed by approx. the same time you 
went to bed the previous night (assuming this is 
Friday). As the noted scholar and cynic Darroe "B for 
Brains" Bartlet once observed (and I paraphrase), 
"when drinking after a night of drunkeness, it is 
impossible to get buzzed until you have drunk one 
drink more than you did the previous night, and then 
you move instantaneously from sober to one drink 
drunker than you were the night before at your 
drunkest." I can vouch for his research, so plan 
accordingly and start early.

E) Crawl into bed. Wake up - repeat step (a)

Now, even though I am an unlicensed and illegitimate 
doctor, I must assume no responsibility for any side 
effects that may result from the use of this cure. It 
has however proven it's effectiveness on me and others 
time and time again. Use it only in emergencies and 
remember the basics: HYDRATION, GREASE, ANTACID and 
IBUPROFEN.

Or the "unholy quaternity" as noted theolgian and 
wicca-worker "Pope Poe" Parsons once branded them in a 
fit of melancholic evangelical hubris. Keep the body full 
of vitamins, K-holes and K-rations, I'm starting to 
babble, good night.