DOKTOR TWILITE TALKS HANGOVERS

As your doctor, I assume it my responsibility to overdose regularly
on any medication I prescribe to a patient, therefore hangovers are
a common occurance in my life. In the following text, I will 
differentiate between the various types of hangovers I have met and
conquered, for each is a vastly different, vastly competent foe. But 
all have been made to cower before me, The Doctor.

1. THE "SHOULD'VE HAD DINNER" HANGOVER

This one usually occurs towards the end of some Friday Happy hour
where your lightweight coworkers are "taking off" for home right 
as your unemployed, well rested, recently fed college chums are
arriving and offering to buy you Jaegermeister shots. "Later," you
promise yourself, "I'll duck out for a slice." You never do, since
the increasing alcohol makes you think your stomach is full, not
only of whimsy and mischief, but nutrients. What a deceptive magician
alcohol can be!! Suddenly, morning hits you in the ear drums like a
Pedone snare drum sound check. Probably the most painful of all 
hangovers, it's an especially frustrating species when you realize that
it could have been easily avoided.

THE CURE: Seltzer water, peanut butter, The Simpsons, apple juice
AVOID: Coffee, aspirin, car commercials, household chores

2. THE "SHOULDN'T'VE MIXED" HANGOVER

It's hard, and dull, to just drink one liquor all night. But if you 
mix, you're in for trouble. Usually you start with cocktails, have 
wine with dinner, then after-dinner drinks, then shots of Rumplemintz 
and God-knows-what else, you poor fools. The hangover is roughly 
proportionate to the number of drinks you've mixed, divided by the
increase in sugar per liquor. Thus, avoid drinking liqueur unless
immediately following wine. Do you follow? Try and drink a glass of
water as you cross each threshold to a different kind of liquor. Avoid
late-night shots of strange liqueurs that drunken out-of-towners
try to coerce you into trying. The main symptoms of this particular 
hangover will be a pounding headache with a subsequent urge to 
challenge people bigger than you to fights over nothing.

THE CURE: Advil, coffee, water, fresh air, sex
AVOID: Beer, loud music, oversleeping, high-sugar breakfast cereal

3. THE "I'VE BEEN DRUNK FOR TEN HOURS" HANGOVER

This is the one you should be proud of, because it shows endurance
and pacing. You probably had a high-protein dinner and didn't mix
alcohols. You went the distance and in the late afternoon of the next
day you feel something, but it's not as bad as it could be...The 
reason? You're still wasted! By the end of the day your real hangover
will take over unless you act wisely.

THE CURE: Swimming, vitamins, lying in the sun, more alcohol
AVOID: Staying inside and smoking pot in front of the TV all day

4. THE "I'VE BEEN DRUNK FOR THREE DAYS" HANGOVER

Now you're wading into serious waters. You partied in grand style
Friday night, got an early start Saturday but managed to still go
the distance. Now it's Monday and you're no longer able to speak.
Your eyes are beet red. Ghost beatniks pound your skull like a bongo.
You can't eat, and sleep won't help. You have no concept of time. Day,
night, all you know is that you are conscious. You pass out on the 
bathroom floor and wake up to somebody whispering your name, but you
can't turn around to see them.

THE CURE: House cleaning, scratchy country blues CDs, a long shower,
          religion, masturbation, re-hab, French cinema & cuisine
AVOID: cheap beer, Brady Bunch re-runs, parents, crowded places

As you see, each hangover is like a special child. What helps one 
hangover may hurt another. Remember: they can all be beaten! Identify
their vulnerabilities, and strike! Don't let hangovers stamp out your
peace of mind again! By making sure that you eat dinner, pace yourself,
and don't mix excessively. You'll be a credit to your kind. Also, try
some exercise every so often. Dance! Walk! Run! Be merry! That helps 
keep the alcohol moving through you. Try and wait a bit after you 
stumble home before you go to sleep, to help move the liquor on through
your stomach, instead of sitting there, fermenting all night and you
wake up feeling like the Chinese army has been marching through your 
digestive tract with soggy boots. Last of all, never let a hangover 
convince you to not drink as the great Jason Rosenberg said: "To be
drunk is to be mystic, but to be tripping while drunk and mystic...is
pretty fucking mystic...I need a drink."

Think about it and drink up...wisely.