Dr. Twilite Presents.... THE BENDER A forgotten ritual revisited. ------------------------------ It seems that in these allegedly more enlightened days, the bender is all but forgotten as a legitimate form of alcohol-abuse. Now when people talk of destroying themselves through consumption of alcohol, they generally mean overdoing it one night, getting sick later that same evening or early next morning, and then repenting for the remainder of the weekend. This cycle of loathsome behavior is okay if you wish to simply embarrass yourself in front of your friends, but what if you have a deeper darker wish? What if you long to escape, to disappear from sight and drink unrepentantly and alone for a long period of time, to vanish off the face of the earth for a "lost" weekend? What then? Then you are aiming to go on a bender. And let me tell you how: Defined in the lexicon of drinking slang, a bender is a period of at least two days of continued drunkenness. The typical bender recipe is as follows: 1) Begin drinking within five minutes of waking up, 2) continue drinking, 3) pass out, 4) Wake and repeat. Continue this process until a) you're hospitalized, B) dead, or c) you come to your senses and realize you must stop this insane, self-destructive behavior. The root of a bender is simply one drink, perhaps at a Friday happy hour. It then multiplies, and finally ceases to be mere recreational drinking when one wakes up the next morning and, as a hangover cure, or simply for breakfast, starts the day fresh off with another drink. As morning drinks lead to brunch drinks and lunch drinks eliminate the need for lunch, one's grip on reality is loosened to the point that it slips totally away, and, usually with the aid of a television, a VCR, some drawn curtains, and lots of privacy, the petty world of normality and all it's tedium... evaporates. And the bender is underway. Sound good? Here is what you will need: 1) a few good video tapes, because cable is too uncontrollable. You want something nice and familiar. Did you know that Howard Hughes used to watch his favorite movie, 'Ice Sation Zebra" over and over and over again, for years on end? Wouldn't you like to be that deranged? You will be when you're on a legitimate bender! So rent, own or borrow a collection of favorite movies, ideally ones with lots of inspiring drinking scenes. 2) Invest heavily in the alcohol of your choice. You should always have more than you need. Stock up! It won't go bad! 3) Turn your phone off, and the volume down on your answering machine, because if you happen to be in between moments of clarity, you may think you have the ability to talk coherently on the phone. This can lead to trouble as you have to explain your words later and can't remember them. 4) Close the curtains and lock the door. Now you are all set. Start drinking! After awhile you may realize that you've been passed out on the couch for some time. The tape in the VCR will have rewound and the ice in your drink will be near melted. Perhaps you will even realize it is 3 in the morning! That's quite okay, just slowly get up, make yourself another drink and press play on the VCR remote. After all, now you are in bender-land, and there's no time frame to dictate your action, no place to be, and video knows no schedule. Yes, you can simply let the miasma of day/night duality drift away. There's no worries about social activity, current events, food, sleeping schedule maintenance, etc. All you need is another drink to make everything smooth like a cloud on a hot summer's day. Sooner or later, however, things can begin to crumble. You may find yourself in bed wondering how you got there, and if you will be able to get a glass of water to your lips wihtout vomiting. You may hyperventilate, suffer heart palpitations, sweat, shake, hallucinate and lose circulation in your face and limbs, but mainly you will vomit - vomit - vomit! Just remember to drink some more alcohol as quickly as possible. You may keep throwing it up, but damn you, force it down! You will find at this juncture that it takes more alcohol just to lose your shakes than it used to take to get you wasted. Now you are truly "Leaving Las Vegas". Good work! Alas, now you have only two options: One) Stop drinking, or b) die a slow, agonizing death. I know nothing about dying, unfortunately, but I can explain how to stop if that's the option you choose. 1) Utilize every hangover cure you know. 2) Keep moving; clean your messes, do the dishes, shower, exercise, take a long walk, etc. 3) Drink beer. As Albert Finney says in "Under the Volcano, "Theresh nething bedder t'sober wunnup, thin beeah." Then, open the shades, listen to your answering machine messages, and vow never to drink again... someday. Around 5 or 6 pm, you may need some form of sedative, preferably a valium or rohipanol, if you took them all already, resort to Nyquil, or at least an advil. Wait though, and dry out as much as possible before you try this as it could easily cause death, more vomitting, or worse. If all goes well, you will still be a tattered mess by the next morning. But force yourself out of bed, take a long, cold shower, and start drinking Gatorade. Maybe you will have to stay home from work. If you're lucky, maybe you don't even have to work, maybe you've already been fired. Regardless, by late afternoon, you will feel good enough to eat some lunch. So what, you may ask, are the benefits to such self-destructive behavior? Well, none really. Or... are there? Think back to the height of your bender. Everything was numbed, timeless bliss. You let yourself go, utterly. You became swept into the sea. You practically drowned and you miraculously returned. You could have kept going, but you turned back. On the slow raft ride to eternity, you sailed long enough to relax, but not long enough that you couldn't get home. You caught a glimpse of heaven, and a glimpse of hell. You drank of what lies beyond pleasure, pain and petty mortal striving. Too bad no one you know will understand or respect it, but they all laughed at Christopher Columbus, too. Incidentally, I'm just joking! Don't ever do this! What are you crazy?