ALCOHOL: MAN'S MUCH MALIGNED MASTER
(or I'm not a drunkard just because I drink more than you")

Alcohol is a ferocious power, a simultaneous curse and a saviour. 
It can turn a mouse into a lion, it can turn a man into a drooling idiot, 
it can kill, it can cure. It can make ugly seem beautiful, relax muscles, 
ease grief and suffering, stimulate conversation and good will. It
can fog the memory of last night while also making last night memorable. 
It is poetic justice, a terrible cure: a deal with the devil, a miracle, 
and it must not be blamed for the frailties and weaknesses of its
users. Alcohol has been accused of everything from hampering motor skills 
to causing war and "health problems". Well, this may be so, but don't 
let then say that alcohol doesn't make yot funnier, more likable, or 
more popular. The nay-sayers argument is "He isn't really funnier or 
more likable when he's drinking, he just thinks he is."

But isn't thinking you are popular really what it's all about? 
They might say "He only thinks he has self-confidence," an utterly 
absurd statement. If you make people laugh, you are funny, but the 
poo-pooers of alcohol will disagree. They will say people are laugh-
ing at you, not with you, or they will say that their laughter is a 
sublimation of pity or concern. They are foolish to say these things, 
yet nobody laughs at them...ever. of course, if you're sober, drinkers can
be annoying. their breath is overwhelming and they are loud, even 
obnoxious. But take a drink yourself and all their annoying traits vanish.

So where do you draw the line? If alcohol makes you feel loved 
and warm and comfy, why not stay drunk all the time? What does the 
physical deterioration, cold sweats, shakes and delirium tremens 
matter? Maybe you can sidestep these ailments by drinking only on the 
weekends, or limiting your weekly drinks, or not drink-
ing before 4:00 pm. Even then, some pamphlet somewhere will tell 
you that you're a "problem" drinker, sooner or later, they might be 
right. But are you? Or is society just trying to bring you down? Are 
you being punished because a bunch of other folks can't handle their liquor?

--------Sidetrack One: America, Land of Addiction:
Our society itself is hopelessly addicted--not just to alcohol 
but to addiction itself. Once 21, a freshly legal drinker still has 
no counsel in the development of moderate habits. The French children 
have wine with dinner all through childhood, learning from the beginning 
to "go easy" lest they embarrass themselves at the dinner table.
The American child is forbidden to drink at all. Only after his 
parents are gone to bed does he raid the liquor cabinet, drink too much 
and wind up in the hospital. His alcohol education is a concerned 
doctor's AA pamphlet. Before he even reaches the legal drinking age, 
he is pronounced an alcoholic.

The more we tell the child to "just say no", the more seductive and 
intriguing "yes" becomes. The child grows up believing he has no 
self-control, and so must say "no" to everything instead of 
"Okay, just one." In America there is no such thing as "just one" 
whether it be potato chips, cigarettes, sexual partners or lines of 
cocaine. A shot of whiskey leads straight to alcoholism and then
rehab, where Clockwork Orangesque behavioral modification techniques 
soon make one vomit at the taste of alcohol. We leave rehab "cured" but 
still governed by an addictive personality, only the revulsion and fear 
of a possible "relapse" outweighs our eternal thirst. This is
called "successful treatment" yet one still has not learned the first 
thing about self-control, becoming instead a rehab addict: attending AA 
meeting twice daily, driving the family crazy with pious lectures about the
evils of drink, all the while refusing to believe alcohol is
completely innocent, that the power that causes so much ruin is our own 
weakness, and selfishness.

In conclusion, the trick to living a full life with alcohol is
knowing how to pace yourself. By steeling your reason
against the liquid abyss, you can have a rip-roaring good
time every weekend.